May

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May is supposed to be a month of joy (ok it still is coz of the election, anyway...), and a month of sleepless nights

Except that didn’t happen

I can’t remember how many times i have cried myself to sleep
Or cried while bathing
Or while looking at Rae and Jiunn playing together

They make such great sister and brother to you little one, but you’ll never got to see them

You have the most ultrasound pictures, yet, when i finally got to see you, is the time we had to say goodbye

Everytime when an ambulance pass by, there will be a sudden nervousness, remembering the time when i was in the ambulance, looking out seeing all the cars tailgating the ambulance, thinking “What if they crashed into this ambulance?”

And whenever i step into the hospital for check ups, i will still overwhelmed by emotions, the hope, disappointment, despair, and the sadness.

The hardest part was when Rae and Jiunn pointed at my still bulging tummy, and said “Baby?”, my heart sanked, and i had to tell them, he is gone. Rae never quite got it, but she can sense my sadness, and never ask again. But nowadays Jiunn always points at my boobs and said “Baby?”, ok.........*rolled eyes*

Sorry my little one
Sorry that i was not strong enough to hold you longer in my body
Sorry that i didn’t get to show you, how beautiful the world is
And how wonderful you brother and sister
And of course, your papa

Somehow i learnt that
It will never be okay, but it’s okay
And thank you my sister who shared with me this book Tear Soup, learning to accept the grief, and knowing that, ok, i’m still normal

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Grief is something not many people talk about, yet it affects deeply. I remember when everything was done, i looked at these blog posts, and instantly i was calmed. Words of comfort, and the words of knowing the same feeling, was just what i needed the most at that time. Somehow, if you are currently in the same boat as me, just to let you know, i’m by your side

 

 

Dear little one,

Thank you for showing me the strength of your little body, and the joy you have given to us at the first few months. Though your sister was not happy initially knowing you are a boy ("I already have a brother, i want a sister" that's what she said), but she was totally looking forward seeing you day after day. And your brother Jiunn, i can imagine the mess you both will make, if you are still here

Love you always, and we’ll see each other again somewhere

Lily of the Valley, beautifully painted by the talented  Jie Yan

Lily of the Valley, beautifully painted by the talented Jie Yan

Was diagnosed with subchorioinic hematoma in womb, and with the constant bleeding i was in bed rest, thus triggered pulmonary embolism, and somehow on the 6-month, i had PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membrane), and the pregnancy was terminated